Lindsey broke up with you last night. Because of the party last week. Because of you. You should have seen it coming. She wants someone more serious. Someone she can study with and make detailed plans of everything. But you know she also wants someone to laugh with. You know she was pretty upset about it and … and this whole thing is bullshit. We got along. We laughed. We had fun. Isn’t that the point? You had really true feelings for her and that wasn’t enough. Alan, what’s wrong with you that you can’t keep an amazing girl like that? You know you should buck up and say it’s her loss but it’s yours too.

You told her that you thought you were falling for her. You really seem to be. The last time you felt this way... even then it was different. She makes you laugh, even when she's so high strung about something so silly, you think it's cute. You just want to make her keep laughing and seeing the world as something pleasant. You hate seeing her upset. That's falling for her, isn't it? You don't know if it's the big L but it could be.

But it bothers you that she didn't seem to think you would be together in the future. Does she not feel the same? You sort of assume that she does but maybe she doesn't. Maybe she's just not ready to say it.

This weekend is Homecoming and it's another year where you are forced to steal the crown. and you are bringing Lindsey. You can focus on the good times and get her flowers for the dance, instead of some random date.

You wonder if you did something wrong. Was the flower too much? Did you ask her at the wrong time to be your girlfriend? Should you have been more sensitive to whatever is going on with her family? Something has changed since then and you don't know what. She still talks to you on the phone and via email. She still laughs at your jokes. You still get to make out. On the surface everything seems find but you think something feels off.

So here is the million dollar question, A, do you ask her if something is bothering her and risk stirring the pot? Or do you let things go as it is and hope whatever the problem is doesn't deal with you and it just fixes itself?

You asked her out almost a month ago. Things seem to be going well. We see each other on the weekends and you call her almost every night. Things seem to be going very well. You think she's your girlfriend but it's one of those hard things to ask offically. What if you assume she is and she assumes she's not? Or worse, you assume she isn't and she assumes she is? Not that you would do anything differently if she wasn't offically your girlfriend but still.

The 20th is a month since our offical date. Maybe you should do something special then. Then you can found out if she is offically your girlfriend. You should really woo her.

Except this time, no poetry.

You wrote those letters. You have been thinking about them all week. You needed to apologise to both Claudia and Grace. You need to do it. Now that they are on your desk, signed and sealed, you wonder why you are doing this. Grace doesn’t need closure. You don’t know what Claudia needs. Are you just being selfish so you can move on with your life? Are you going to be opening up old wounds just so you can get on with your life?

Maybe you should just deliver those letters and forget about it. There is no promise that she’ll even read it but you need to let her know. You need to do this.

You want to email her. You open up your email inbox, you start to write her name and you just stop. You don't. You close the window and turn away from the computer.

You wonder how can you think about asking another girl out when you screwed up badly before. Claudia won't talk to you and you can't blame her. You broke her heart. And why? Because you became confused about your feelings.

What if you do it again? What if you ask that girl out and you start to date? What if you get confused again and break her heart?

You need to put an end to what happened. You can't keep focusing on it. You can't keep wishing that Claudia will get over it. You can't force her to forgive you.

You need to move past this so you can move on. You just need to figure out how.

Summertime. The sun is out. The heat is wonderful. You aren't trapped in class anymore. You have freedom and you are so bored! You seriously need fine something to do to fill up your days. There needs to more parties this year. That will entertain you.

On the bright side, you ran into Kung Fu Girl Lindsey today. You never thought you'd see her again. Not that you expect anything but she seems nice enough.

Which reminds you, maybe you should try to make peace with Claudia again. You can't stand her being mad at you. She can't hate you forever, can she?

Musical over. If one more person tells you to stop wearing the crown, you may throw it.

You weren't nominated as prom king. You also don't have a date for prom.

Things aren't going as you hoped.

The musical opens in two weeks. You are feeling sort of nervous but you know you will rock it. Of course you will, you are King Alan. You know, you should try to get more people hyped about the musical, make sure those seats are sold out every night. You should be in character every day until the musical. Go totally mute and mime everything out. That would be awesome. They will get to see the real King Alan every day! Alan, you are brillant.

Grace broke up with you today. She said that she was like Brooke and you were like Mouth- just better off as friends. You wanted to ask why. Weren't you getting along? You weren't as nervous with her as you were with Claudia. Was there something that you were lacking?

You feel confused. You ended things with Claudia because you wanted to be with Grace. Now Grace doesn't want to be with you. Where does that leave you? Does it mean that breaking up with Claudia was a mistake? Or maybe this whole thing was a learning experience. Or maybe you were meant to be with Claudia.

You don't know. Grace still wants to be friends. You wonder if that's possible.

You had your first date with Grace on Saturday. Admit it. You had fun. Yet you kept comparing her and Claudia in your head. You broke up with Claudia to go out with Gracie. How can you compare the two? It's not fair to Grace. She's special in her own right. You don't really need to write that, did you? You know she is special. Do you know what you really want in a girl? You have fun with Grace. Isn't that what you were looking for? Why do you think you have to make a decision right now? You like Grace and that's what matters.

You got a Valentine Gram today. You didn’t expect it at all. (You are pretty sure it's from Grace. Or at least you hope it is. It's definitely not from Claudia) You thought of how last week you thought that you were going to buy red roses for Claudia. You thought that how last week you thought that you needed to start planning for Valentine’s Day. Now you don’t. Do you think she will know that white flower was from you? Do you think she’ll understand how sorry you are?

As much as it hurt when Claudia broke up with you, you felt relived. How much could you have loved her if you thought about Grace like that? How much could you have really loved her if you were always so nervous with her? If you felt like you could never be truly yourself? You know that deep inside that it was the best thing and you know deep inside that a part of you will always love her but for right now, you and Claudia aren’t meant to be.

So does this mean you and Grace are? You wanted to ask her if she was going to the dance tomorrow. In all honesty, you wanted to do more than just send a white carnation to her. You wanted to send her a red one. No, you are not in love with her but you want to be with her. You want to see if there could be a Grace-and-Alan. As crazy as that sounds. Do you honestly think that Grace would want to be with you? She’s like a different league.

Maybe you should go to that dance tomorrow. Maybe you should talk to Grace. Maybe you should do what feels right. Maybe you are turning into a big mush. Blargh.

We broke up.

You were expecting it. How else did you think she would handle you telling her the truth? Still it hurts all the same. You loved her.

You feel like you should write more... but there is nothing more to say.

You can't sleep. You don't want to sleep. You close your eyes and you picture kissing Grace. You picture her red hair and her smile. You smile that look on her face when you said sorry.

How could you have been so stupid? You should have avoided her if you knew that you liked her! How could you lose your self control? How can you be thinking about her right now?

What about Claudia? You told her that you loved her. You did mean that, didn't you? You are going to break her heart. You know you can't keep this from her and the longer you don't tell her the worse it will be.

How do you tell her? How do you look at her and tell her that you cheated on her?

Worse... how do you tell her want to explore things with Grace? That you doubt how much you can love a person if you cheat on them?

You know you are a horrible person, right?

Does it make you a bad boyfriend if you think that it's easier to hang out with one girl than your own girlfriend?

Does it make you a bad boyfriend if you realize that when you are with your girlfriend you are always worrying about what you are saying or what you are doing?

Does it make you a bad boyfriend if you feel like you can be yourself around another girl than your own girlfriend?

Does it make you a bad boyfriend if you wonder if you laugh more around her than your own girlfriend?

Does it make you a bad boyfriend if you think these things?

You love your girlfriend. You do. So why are you thinking these things?

So you have to do this partner project for school. Everyone is complaining about it. You don't think it's that bad of an idea, especially with all in the in-fighting that is going on lately. Like that stuff with Pete/Emily/Andi on the boards? Does that really need to be up there? A part of you wants to tell everyone to knock it off but it's not your place. Besides, getting involved would ruin your clown reputation.

You aren't too concerned with the partner project. It would have been nice to have gotten Claudia as your partner. You are really happy with her. It would have also been nice to been paired up with Grace. Surprising, I know but you had a lot of fun with her over the Thanksgiving holidays. You would like to get to know her better. She makes you feel differently than Claudia does.

You shouldn't be comparing those two. You shouldn't tell yourself that you shouldn't be.

Well, you should just pray that Sue Archer doesn't stalk you.

Alan. Alan. Alan.
plus
Claudia. Claudia. Claudia.
What else can you say? It's possibly love. It's most likely love. You didn't say it but you thought hit.
You really can't believe what happened. But it did. And it makes you so happy.
...
You really can't believe what happened, can't you?

It's been how many days since Homecoming? You are still upset that you didn't get that crown. Just imagine how you would have looked!

You had to go to Burger King in order to get yourself a crown. Not that same.

Things with Claudia and you are just beginning to work. You even decided to go out together. You were going to go this weekend but Claud had this trip for MA's birthday.

Now the girls are missing. You feel so numb. Conflicted. You want to swim the waters looking for Claudia- You should be more upset that 17 of my classmates are missing!

You am upset. You really am. 

You hope everyone comes back safely. Especially Claudia